Frustrated

Why does EVERYTHING have to be so over analyzed and difficult?  Your best is no longer "good enough" and "status quo" is dead.  "Performance indicators," "improvement areas," and "assessment tools" are the new quo.

My kids will probably never be told "good job or "thank you" by an employer.  However, they will hear, "What more do you have?" and "here is where you can improve"; "Oh! And while you are at it, here are some audits to do on top of your regular duties to get your co-workers in trouble!"

People seriously think that perpetuating a state of constant fear will improve outcomes.  Instead, I believe, it harbors resentment and a lower quality of service/product.  'Nuf said

Don't get sick

Don't get sick.  EVER!!! I mean it.  You need a plan.  Heart attack, just die at home.  Flu, just die at home.  Ingrown toenail, yep you got it!  Once your life is in the hands of the insurance companies you are screwed.

Bad idea #1 Getting insurance.  We decided to get dad supplemental medicare insurance because it would save him $700/year, even after accounting for premiums, deductibles, and copays.  We spent months pouring over plans and finally decided on one.  Sounds good right? NOT.  First of all dad was penalized for NOT carrying supplemental insurance since 2005.  Now mind you, he has paid for everything himself, never asking for help, but now is penalized for 60+ months.  The penalty will be added to his premium until he dies; not until he repays it, until he dies.

Bad idea #2 Honoring someone's wishes.  My father was sure about what he did and did not want.  Mom and I are both nurses (was in her case) and had some good horror stories.  When, during this hospital stay, we had to make a choice on honoring his wishes or continuing on with something he clearly didn't want, we chose to honor his wishes.  Mistake!!! Since he rather die than subject his insurance to thousands of dollars of cost, the insurance is going to reward him with refusing to pay his bill because there is no longer care being given to prolong his suffering.

So, all in all if we bring Dad home to die, Medicare will cover his meds and the administration of them, a bath, and some help while I do rest of the work for free and my kids get the trauma of watching Gpa waste away and die. If we stay at the hospital where the care is great and he is being taken care of well (WHICH HE DESERVES IN HIS LAST DAYS), it won't be paid for. We can go to a nursing home and pay the facility fee which is $200-300/day and Medicare will pay for the hospice portion whatever that is.

Sounds like I am screwed no matter how I look at it.

oh, and the kicker. He doesn't qualify for Medicaid because he didn't have the foresight to give away what is left of his money 5 years +1 day ago. All monies in a trust (which was made to protect his assets) are counted unless the Trustee, dad, is removed from his position as Trustee 5 years + 1 day before trying to qualify. But wait, he is a vet. yeah! God bless the soldiers, now bend over. Since he isn't established in the VA system, he will qualify but then goes to the bottom of the list. Even then, he makes too much in Social Security and would still have to pay $198/day for the substandard VA care.

All of this for someone to die with dignity. To be free of pain, to be fed, and to be loved.

So next time you ask me how my day was, I will direct you here.

Oh, and don't get insurance- doesn't seem to help anyway.  Wait, maybe I could say he is an illegal immigrant- then he would get it for free.

I dare you to step back and laugh.

On a roll here, 9 months since the last post.  Soon I may be biannual. *insert eye-roll*  Yeah, I don't believe it either.  Real life happens.  There is so much going on physically with the family and then emotionally, there is an overwhelming cloud bearing down my shoulders.  I am not the only one to bear this cloud, my wonderful husband and kids unfortunately get rained on too.  But lately, I feel most of this storm has settled on me.


Cliff Notes version:  David is working out of town 4-5 days a week since last August; father broke his hip last year, spent 1 month in the hospital and then moved here to Boise for me to take care of (accompanied by the most stupid dog and antisocial cat known) in my house.  The move was our choice; social services wouldn't let him go back home as he obviously couldn't take care of himself.  The dynamics of this family changed enormously, some for the better, some for the worse.


That in itself doesn't sound too bad.  David leaves - dad stays.  Mostly single mom, home-schooler of 4, part time nurse at work, full time nurse at home for a parent that is quickly becoming senile, and small business owner.   I can handle most of this, I am a Master Planner; Outlook and I are buds, add in my iPhone and people are in awe.


What I can't handle is the emotional cacophony constantly in my head every damn second of the day.  24/7.  NO BREAK.  AT ALL.  Not even in the bathroom.


I am really not trying to complain, that won't help me.  I am just giving and getting perspective.


In any 5 minutes I feel:
     blessed- I have God, my wonderful husband, great kids, and my dad is being cared for
     angry- I have to take care of said dad and he is very hard to deal with
     lonely- my husband is gone.  He is also incredibly stressed at his job and then worries about me.  I miss having someone just listen face-to-face and hold me
     overwhelmed- see all of the above!!!!!
     depressed- nothing seems to get started, finished, resolved, cleaned, insert random verb here______
     anxious- having trouble doing it all and then trying to do it well too
     ugly- no personal time before 2am anymore to take care of self


I really could continue, but won't.


Please continue to pray for us (all of us) and the health of the family.  The 13 doctor's visits in 6 weeks didn't help either. *sigh*

Unknown

Are you scared of the unknown? I know I am. I also know that I am not supposed to be. I could go "all Bible" on you, but for now, won't. To me, there is a very fine, not so straight line between trusting God and being proactive about the body that he gave you.

If there is something wrong medically, you go to the doctor and get looked at. No problem. You thank God for enabling certain people with the intelligence and wisdom (yes they are different things) to help you take care of you body.

Now say, there is something wrong with you medically and the doctor sends you to a specialist. That specialist does tests and treats you for some things are outside the normal limits that could, or could not be, contributing to the condition that brought you there in the first place. Now, also imagine that the treatment for the "less than optimal" levels has done nothing to make the levels optimal and he wants to repeat the treatment. Bear in mind that the treatment has as many side effects as not treating does.

Throw into the mix a spouse with a medical background that does their best to remain calm and not tell you about all the bad things that can happen. Add some really expensive medical texts and google and stir.

At what point, if any so far, have you stopped trusting God? Is it ok to continue going to specialists to find out the nature of the problem? Is it ok to continue doing research about possibilities? Is it ok to sit back and "let go and let God?"

Does this whole unknown issue fit into my rate x time equation?

Rate x Time

It seems, as of late, that the universe is unraveling at an alarming rate. Now, for the Big Bang guys, not THE universe, just my little corner, the universe. The=my. Which is WAY more important. And it isn't unraveling in a chaotic, never-ending way.

It is a 'just sorta, slowly, want to know what God has in store' unraveling.

Seems my entire universe is on a collision course with something, somewhere. If you put that in numbers, of which I am way more comfortable, it is rate x time=distance. So at this rate, with how long it has been going on, it seems to equal a long distance. I am excited to see what God has in store, but not usually willing to go the distance.

Anyone else have this problem? Or is it just me?

proud of my kids

Isn't it glorious

to sit in 102 degree water when it is darn near freezing outside. Slightly worried about the new traffic signals with the BIG camera on top that could conceivably see over my fence. Maybe, I should invest in a swimsuit. NYAH, that would be practical. Maybe, that is why I like sitting in the hottub. It isn't practical. Anyone reading this wonders where I have found the free 5 minutes to type about practicality. Fortunately I can type really fast, thank you Western Union. So, back to the practical thing. It really is glorious to stop and "whatever" (you fill in the blank). For me it is to look at the sky and thank God for the stars, and the moon that is shining so brightly that the darkness can't hide the fact that I don't have on a swimsuit, and I rely on that :) Just to stop and wonder. I don't stop enough. I can hear a couple of friends thinking "ain't that the truth!" When I stop, I procrastinate, and I don't like that. I am a doer. Doing nothing, like playing solitare for hours, makes me feel guilty. I guess that I shouldn't. Even God rested and he was, IS, a lot busier that me, but he at least finished the job first.

I really do wonder enough though. Sometimes I wonder enough that I drive myself and everyone around me nuts. But if I don't STOP when I wonder, then I lose focus. Sounds like a vicious cycle.

So, am I alone on this?

So, now I wonder....... if more of my wonder was on God if I wouldn't lose focus when I stop.

Then I hear God say "STOP, now listen"

Boy, now I am in a pickle!

Solitaire anyone?