Frustrated

Why does EVERYTHING have to be so over analyzed and difficult?  Your best is no longer "good enough" and "status quo" is dead.  "Performance indicators," "improvement areas," and "assessment tools" are the new quo.

My kids will probably never be told "good job or "thank you" by an employer.  However, they will hear, "What more do you have?" and "here is where you can improve"; "Oh! And while you are at it, here are some audits to do on top of your regular duties to get your co-workers in trouble!"

People seriously think that perpetuating a state of constant fear will improve outcomes.  Instead, I believe, it harbors resentment and a lower quality of service/product.  'Nuf said

Don't get sick

Don't get sick.  EVER!!! I mean it.  You need a plan.  Heart attack, just die at home.  Flu, just die at home.  Ingrown toenail, yep you got it!  Once your life is in the hands of the insurance companies you are screwed.

Bad idea #1 Getting insurance.  We decided to get dad supplemental medicare insurance because it would save him $700/year, even after accounting for premiums, deductibles, and copays.  We spent months pouring over plans and finally decided on one.  Sounds good right? NOT.  First of all dad was penalized for NOT carrying supplemental insurance since 2005.  Now mind you, he has paid for everything himself, never asking for help, but now is penalized for 60+ months.  The penalty will be added to his premium until he dies; not until he repays it, until he dies.

Bad idea #2 Honoring someone's wishes.  My father was sure about what he did and did not want.  Mom and I are both nurses (was in her case) and had some good horror stories.  When, during this hospital stay, we had to make a choice on honoring his wishes or continuing on with something he clearly didn't want, we chose to honor his wishes.  Mistake!!! Since he rather die than subject his insurance to thousands of dollars of cost, the insurance is going to reward him with refusing to pay his bill because there is no longer care being given to prolong his suffering.

So, all in all if we bring Dad home to die, Medicare will cover his meds and the administration of them, a bath, and some help while I do rest of the work for free and my kids get the trauma of watching Gpa waste away and die. If we stay at the hospital where the care is great and he is being taken care of well (WHICH HE DESERVES IN HIS LAST DAYS), it won't be paid for. We can go to a nursing home and pay the facility fee which is $200-300/day and Medicare will pay for the hospice portion whatever that is.

Sounds like I am screwed no matter how I look at it.

oh, and the kicker. He doesn't qualify for Medicaid because he didn't have the foresight to give away what is left of his money 5 years +1 day ago. All monies in a trust (which was made to protect his assets) are counted unless the Trustee, dad, is removed from his position as Trustee 5 years + 1 day before trying to qualify. But wait, he is a vet. yeah! God bless the soldiers, now bend over. Since he isn't established in the VA system, he will qualify but then goes to the bottom of the list. Even then, he makes too much in Social Security and would still have to pay $198/day for the substandard VA care.

All of this for someone to die with dignity. To be free of pain, to be fed, and to be loved.

So next time you ask me how my day was, I will direct you here.

Oh, and don't get insurance- doesn't seem to help anyway.  Wait, maybe I could say he is an illegal immigrant- then he would get it for free.

I dare you to step back and laugh.

On a roll here, 9 months since the last post.  Soon I may be biannual. *insert eye-roll*  Yeah, I don't believe it either.  Real life happens.  There is so much going on physically with the family and then emotionally, there is an overwhelming cloud bearing down my shoulders.  I am not the only one to bear this cloud, my wonderful husband and kids unfortunately get rained on too.  But lately, I feel most of this storm has settled on me.


Cliff Notes version:  David is working out of town 4-5 days a week since last August; father broke his hip last year, spent 1 month in the hospital and then moved here to Boise for me to take care of (accompanied by the most stupid dog and antisocial cat known) in my house.  The move was our choice; social services wouldn't let him go back home as he obviously couldn't take care of himself.  The dynamics of this family changed enormously, some for the better, some for the worse.


That in itself doesn't sound too bad.  David leaves - dad stays.  Mostly single mom, home-schooler of 4, part time nurse at work, full time nurse at home for a parent that is quickly becoming senile, and small business owner.   I can handle most of this, I am a Master Planner; Outlook and I are buds, add in my iPhone and people are in awe.


What I can't handle is the emotional cacophony constantly in my head every damn second of the day.  24/7.  NO BREAK.  AT ALL.  Not even in the bathroom.


I am really not trying to complain, that won't help me.  I am just giving and getting perspective.


In any 5 minutes I feel:
     blessed- I have God, my wonderful husband, great kids, and my dad is being cared for
     angry- I have to take care of said dad and he is very hard to deal with
     lonely- my husband is gone.  He is also incredibly stressed at his job and then worries about me.  I miss having someone just listen face-to-face and hold me
     overwhelmed- see all of the above!!!!!
     depressed- nothing seems to get started, finished, resolved, cleaned, insert random verb here______
     anxious- having trouble doing it all and then trying to do it well too
     ugly- no personal time before 2am anymore to take care of self


I really could continue, but won't.


Please continue to pray for us (all of us) and the health of the family.  The 13 doctor's visits in 6 weeks didn't help either. *sigh*